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Can you rate my chapter. My age group is 10-14. If you could, can you rate it as my age group then as an adult%26#039;s?

My brother took me to an A.M.L. bank, the most successful bank in the country. It was the weekend, so we were allowed to leave campus, required that someone over fifteen takes us, Alex was over fifteen. I don鈥檛 know why Alex went to the bank; I think it was to open an account or something like that.

A loud voice shattered my eardrums. Me and Alex turned around in spite of ourselves, a masked man, wearing a brown shirt and black pants stood there, holding a hand gun. I really wanted to hide in my pants, but that was impossible. Relax Sophie, it鈥檚 probably nothing, relax.

The man aimed at the customers of the bank; which were a few. The thief took a gun from a security guard. 鈥淪tand where you are!鈥?he said. 鈥淚 have a gun and a bomb here.鈥?br> The bankers raised their hands, so did the customers, I was scared that I felt that my heart would fall out. Alex wasn鈥檛 sweating or showing any kind of fear, I wondered why.

The thief eyed us, holding a really huge bag. He threw it to a banker, 鈥淔ill this with money!鈥?The banker crouched to get money. 鈥淎nd be quick about it!鈥?br> 鈥淎lex,鈥?I whispered. 鈥淲hat鈥檚 happening?鈥?br> 鈥淥h, I don鈥檛 know,鈥?he whispered. 鈥淚 guess the bank is being robbed.鈥?br> Whoa, Alex had never been sarcastic before, sarcasm hurts. The thief looked at us, 鈥淣o whispering!鈥?br> Almost everyone heard police sirens, I was slightly relieved. My legs quit quivering, and Alex expressed some sort of worry when we heard the police sirens. I guess he didn鈥檛 want to see anyone arrested, even if the person was a thief.

鈥淪urrender yourself, you have nowhere to go,鈥?said one of the police officers. The banker had just finished loading the cash; he threw it to the bank robber. He caught it. The robber took my hand, aiming the gun at my head. He dragged me to the front of the bank. I swear, my joint almost got dislocated.

鈥淚鈥檝e got a kid here!鈥?he announced to the police. 鈥淒on鈥檛 even think about shooting!鈥?br> 鈥淵ou鈥檝e got nowhere to go!鈥?the police said. 鈥淯nhand the child!鈥?Well, that was typical of adults to think we鈥檙e dim-witted.

鈥淵eah,鈥?the bank robber said. 鈥淲ho鈥檚 going to make me?鈥?I was scared stiff that he or the police might do something, but before I even had the time to think, the robber grabbed me, running to a street corner. My joint would have got dislocated.

鈥淲hat are you doing?!鈥?I said.

鈥淚鈥檓 saving your life, that鈥檚 what I鈥檓 doing.鈥?He said.

鈥淪aving my life?鈥?I was aghast. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e the one who robbed the bank, not me.鈥?br> 鈥淭he police would have done something with me, and that would cost you your life too.鈥?So he had no intention of killing me, I don鈥檛 think, maybe he stole because鈥?I had to ask, I just had to.

I was about to ask the bank robber why he stole the money. He unmasked himself, I couldn鈥檛 believe my eyes.

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It is interesting, but a bit choppy. That%26#039;s what rewrites are for. I call rewriting %26quot;polishing%26quot;. Try listening to the words as you read them, and working on rounding out the rough edges a bit. First of all remember the rule about me and I - It should be Alex and I turned around. Also it%26#039;s %26quot;my joint would have gotten dislocated.%26quot;

Little mistakes like that are a huge turn off to publishers and agents. They show not only amateur work but immature work. Those are the kinds of things you need to work on smoothing out. Next, I would like to see you expand on the emotional aspects of your characters. This is someone under 15 years old - standing alone in a bank being robbed with her brother. And yet for some reason, the girl seems pretty cool about the whole thing.

Try some more visualization. Tell me what is really going on. This bank robber - is he nervous? Sweating? Shaky? How does the girl really feel when the guy grabs her? Those kinds of visuals will add drama to the scene. Funny thing when you are writing for YA, they like drama and lots of it. Really get into it - over drama is better than less drama in that age group. The end is very dramatic. So work backwards. Add that kind of drama to the rest of it.

You say this is your third chapter. How have you set the work up? Is it framed? Is this a flashback of some kind?

That might work very well in this situation. Hope that helps. Pax-C

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ummmm, not my type i like the descriptiond and stuff though!!!!!