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This is a horror story I wrote at school. We had 25 minutes to write it. Please rate it from 1-10. thx.

Sophie had always thought that the dirty old phone booth across the road was no different to any other until last Saturday when she looked out of her bedroom window at 11pm.

10:30pm, Saturday, Sophie looked at her miserable reflection in her floor length mirror in her bedroom. Her mascara was running from the tears she was crying from her dark brown eyes. She had just returned from her last date with Toby. She was now mourning his death.

It had happened only an hour before. Toby had taken Sophie out to the fanciest restaurant in the city of Sydney to celebrate their 1 year anniversary. They had just left when a strange looking man in a ripped suit appeared with a sinister look in his eye. He was looking straight at Sophie.

閳ユゾoby,閳?Sophie had fearfully whispered into her boyfriend閳ユ獨 ear, 閳ユゲook over there.閳?She gestured to the man in the suit. Toby turned around to see where she was pointing and caught a glimpse of a shining silver object gripped tightly in the mans hand. The man was rapidly approaching.

閳ユソophie, run!閳?Toby yelled, throwing out his arms to protect her.

閳ユゴo!閳?Sophie had protested.

閳ユクust do it!閳?br>

The man was running at full speed with a dagger gripped in his hand; raised it above his head and stabbed wildly at Sophie. The dagger pierced he delicate flesh of her right shoulder. Everything became a blur. She was numb with pain and struggled to keep her balance.

閳ユソophie!閳?she heard her boyfriend call out to her, 閳ユΜun! NOW!閳?br>

She could tell in his voice that he was frightened and could hear him fighting the sinister man. She turned on her heel and sprinted away as fast as she could. As she ran, not knowing where to go, she heard yelps of pain and one final ear-splitting screech. She turned around, and although she could barely see through the thick layer of darkness, made out a lump on the ground and a confused looking man standing beside it. She turned around and ran further away from the scene.

Sophie slowed down to a walk and realised that her feet had carried her home. Adrenalin was pumping through her veins and her heart pumping as hard as ever. She felt a fearful shiver pass through her body as she passed the phone-booth which made her break into a run. She raced through her front door and into the hallway. She locked the doors and collapsed.

Sophie snapped back into the present and retreated to her bed. She glanced over to her clock which read 11pm. She turned over to look out the window and what she saw petrified her. Her throat went dry and wanted to yell out but couldn閳ユ獩.

Out by the phone-booth was that same man that stabbed her holding the corpse of her beloved Toby, tearing him to pieces and eating him raw. He looked up and saw the scared face of Sophie looking at him. He returned her look with an evil grin and returned to his prey.

Sophie woke up hours later and hoping that the night閳ユ獨 events were just a dream. As she stumbled over to the shower, she checked her right shoulder and realised the terrible reality. She went through the day not speaking a word and covering her wound.

That afternoon at about 6pm, Sophie went for a walk to clear her mind. As she walked past the phone booth, she felt that same shiver. She could feel a presence behind her. She reluctantly looked over her shoulder and saw the same strange man in the ripped suit standing there, grinning and holding a bloody dagger in his dirty hand, mouthing 閳ユΧou閳ユ獧e next.閳?br>Please rate my story?

Not bad for a 25 minute effort. NOw clean it up and expand on it.

----

They%26#039;re, Their, There - Three Different Words.

Careful or you may wind up in my next novel.

Pax - C

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its good

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it is ok. relying on the gore/shock of weird cannibalization does not help your derivative plotline, though.

my grade: C+

cheers!

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I am a reader of books like your story, I find it easy to read as well as keeping my attention. I hope you will proceed in writing, if you write a book the same way I will buy it.

Best of luck to you.

Live your dream, you will not know how much talent you have before you tried.

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Since you had 25 minutes to write this and you do get points for creativity...i would rate this an 7...you lost 3 point because certain things didn%26#039;t flow well but other then that it was okay...kinda like a tales of the crypt story. With a little work it could be a good horror short story.

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Its good, just be careful you do not say too much in a short sentence, don%26#039;t be afraid to spread it out a bit.

Another tip is don%26#039;t worry about the time as much, call it evening, or %26#039;as the sun set%26#039; use time markers like that without actually saying the time.

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Eight for effort.

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WOW! that is soo good, you created such a scary atmosphere! well done i rate you .... 8.1/10 :)))

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Sorry I can%26#039;t inflate your ego. You had twenty five minutes to write it , but as long as you wanted to correct the mistakes before seeking revues. 4

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not bad .try to raed more,then you can write better stories.

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Obvious question: She%26#039;s been stabbed, her boyfriends been killed and eaten, and she goes to bed....

Has Sophie never heard of 911, or 999 if she%26#039;s in the UK?

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Well it made shiver.Good for a short story.8

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i thought it was a well written story..try to use a little more description..i rate it 7 for effort. you should expand the story a little more...

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For a rough draft, it%26#039;s fine, and worthy of a high score---maybe an eight.

There%26#039;s some basic editing that could make it better immediately, and then some plot work to make it more logical.

But if this is what you cranked out in 25 minutes, it%26#039;s very good.

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Very imaginative. You%26#039;ve got a flair for horror.

Keep in mind that the style that works for short stories is different than that of novel length stories.

If you are going to expand on this, you should probably choose one or the other.

I%26#039;ll give it a 7.

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Not bad. 6

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It caught my interest and it%26#039;s something I could get into if were a novel. For a short story it%26#039;s really good and you have the reader wondering at the end what will happen to the girl next. Does she escape the madman/monster that has attacked her once or does she find a way to escape his clutches?

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I liked it. Why didn%26#039;t she call the police, her mother, her friend etc? Her response, or lack of it needs to be expanded. You need your characters to act in a believable fashion.

What is the reason for this man%26#039;s interest in her? We need a hint of possible motive. Perhaps she inadvertently stimulated a ghoul to target her. How did that happen? You might introduce it using a flashback or internal dialogue.

You must keep writing, OK?

Well done

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If I didn%26#039;t know that you wrote this is 25 minutes I would have given you a

5

But because you only had 25 minutes to write I will give you a

7

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wow! that was so scary! i would give it a 8/10. I still don%26#039;t get the bit with the phone box in the beginning though. Otherwise excellent!

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ummm.... its good but i think you copied a little.

I read a story (a horror story) about a girl named Sophie and how she wakes up in a bad dream where she is going to die

Plus, add more detail

Her response isn%26#039;t so good and you skip around alot

so I give it a 5 ok but ive read better