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Please rate my third chapter, my age group is 10-14. I%26#039;ve been writing since the first grade, what do you think I should work on? Or what am I good at?

Chapter 3:

The Armed Assault

My brother took me to an A.M.L. bank, the most successful bank in the country. It was the weekend, so we were allowed to leave campus, required that someone over fifteen takes us, Alex was over fifteen. I don鈥檛 know why Alex went to the bank; I think it was to open an account or something like that.

A loud voice shattered my eardrums. Me and Alex turned around in spite of ourselves, a masked man, wearing a brown shirt and black pants stood there, holding a hand gun. I really wanted to hide in my pants, but that was impossible. Relax Sophie, it鈥檚 probably nothing, relax.

The man aimed at the customers of the bank; which were a few. The thief took a gun from a security guard. 鈥淪tand where you are!鈥?he said. 鈥淚 have a gun and a bomb here.鈥?br> The bankers raised their hands, so did the customers, I was scared that I felt that my heart would fall out. Alex wasn鈥檛 sweating or showing any kind of fear, I wondered why.

The thief eyed us, holding a really huge bag. He threw it to a banker, 鈥淔ill this with money!鈥?The banker crouched to get money. 鈥淎nd be quick about it!鈥?br> 鈥淎lex,鈥?I whispered. 鈥淲hat鈥檚 happening?鈥?br> 鈥淥h, I don鈥檛 know,鈥?he whispered. 鈥淚 guess the bank is being robbed.鈥?br> Whoa, Alex had never been sarcastic before, sarcasm hurts. The thief looked at us, 鈥淣o whispering!鈥?br> Almost everyone heard police sirens, I was slightly relieved. My legs quit quivering, and Alex expressed some sort of worry when we heard the police sirens. I guess he didn鈥檛 want to see anyone arrested, even if the person was a thief.

鈥淪urrender yourself, you have nowhere to go,鈥?said one of the police officers. The banker had just finished loading the cash; he threw it to the bank robber. He caught it. The robber took my hand, aiming the gun at my head. He dragged me to the front of the bank. I swear, my joint almost got dislocated.

鈥淚鈥檝e got a kid here!鈥?he announced to the police. 鈥淒on鈥檛 even think about shooting!鈥?br> 鈥淵ou鈥檝e got nowhere to go!鈥?the police said. 鈥淯nhand the child!鈥?Well, that was typical of adults to think we鈥檙e dim-witted.

鈥淵eah,鈥?the bank robber said. 鈥淲ho鈥檚 going to make me?鈥?I was scared stiff that he or the police might do something, but before I even had the time to think, the robber grabbed me, running to a street corner. My joint would have got dislocated.

鈥淲hat are you doing?!鈥?I said.

鈥淚鈥檓 saving your life, that鈥檚 what I鈥檓 doing.鈥?He said.

鈥淪aving my life?鈥?I was aghast. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e the one who robbed the bank, not me.鈥?br> 鈥淭he police would have done something with me, and that would cost you your life too.鈥?So he had no intention of killing me, I don鈥檛 think, maybe he stole because鈥?I had to ask, I just had to.

I was about to ask the bank robber why he stole the money. He unmasked himself, I couldn鈥檛 believe my eyes.

Please rate my story...?

This is AWESOME!!!! I can%26#039;t believe you had to ask how good it

is... Again, GREAT job!

I LOVE it!!!!

:)

Are you in high school or younger? You might think of posting some of your writing for critique and comments on:

www.scholastic.com/writeit

My friend uses that site (she%26#039;s been trying to get me to, also), and she says that it%26#039;s really great.

Good luck!!!

:)

Please rate my story...?

%26quot;I wanted to hide in my pants%26quot; haha!

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Very good for your age!

Keep writing! i love cliff hangers!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please rate my story...?

In all honesty, there needs to be a bit more detail. A hint about telling your story, get to the point in as few words as you can, while at the same time you give the reader the information they need to put the story together in their mind. Most people tend to visualize the story as they read.

Think the entire story through, write the general story down and make every word from the first to the last point the reader right where you want to go.

Just remember that you are either letting the reader live the story from the outside, or you are dragging them along as the main character. Regardless the ending point of the story is your goal. Floating around tends to bore people, so don%26#039;t do it unless you have to.

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There seems to be a problem... This bank robber is holding a gun and a bomb, then steals another gun, and he is holding a bag and a child. What is this guy an octupus? On top of that a brown shirt and black pants!

Despite the flaws, it moved me, but it is hard to explain how...

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WHY COULDNT U BELIEVE UR EYES!!!! omg the cliff hanger is killing me very well done i could so read this book! if u wrote it all lol

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why do people keep leaving their stories on cliff hangers? i loved this and i think you should post more of this or finish it then e-mail me it ^__^ %26#039;cause it%26#039;s good!

Please rate my story...?

it%26#039;s good i liked it. a good writer always leaves the reader wanting more.