PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

hi ,

poetry.com already rejected my poem for the second time , i got so upset .. donno what to do .. may be it was a wrong idea to leave my mother tongue language ( Arabic ) and trying writing in English .

plz rate my poem and help me improving it .. and here it is

Brother

I can feel your blood

Flowing in my heart,

I can hear your breath

Moving in my lungs,

I can see your tears

Running down my face,

My life without you

Is an empty place,

Because your land is my land,

Because your blood is my blood,

And your soul is my soul,

Cause we all are one hand,

When you cry

I feel your pain,

When you are wounded

I bleed again,

When you feel happy

I fly high,

When you succeed

I can touch the sky.

PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

Nice work..seems like you have written it for someone special...

PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

OK, truth....are you trying to suck or what? Either make every other line rhyme or don%26#039;t. But do NOT switch back and forth between the two. That just looks amateurish.

PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

Wow!! I%26#039;m a writer myself and I thought that was superb! However, the message seemed a bit vague, maybe you should write a little more about who/what you are writing about. But great job!

~Poop On-A Butt fan

PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

Very evocative and full of emotion and life. Well done...I couldn%26#039;t write one line of poetry in Arabic!

Where I feel it comes slightly unstuck for me is the line:

Cause we all are one hand,

I think you are using the word cause a shortened %26#039;because%26#039; - but it doesn%26#039;t work well here as it is already a separate word in its own right and brings a confusion to that line.

Could you say: Because we all are one?

This I think would retain the sense and the metre.

In English we don%26#039;t have the phrase %26#039;one hand%26#039; so it carries no meaning.

Love the rest of it.

PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

it%26#039;s not horrible-

poetry%26#039;s extremely subjective-- are you upset because you%26#039;re trying to get published? or because the folks at poetry.com don%26#039;t like it? Can you share it with an Arabic community in Arabic, perhaps you%26#039;ll get a better reception for your peom that way...

good luck~

PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

I think that is beautiful I hope I can copy and paste that.

I think you have real talent.

Keep making poems. Send it to us who cares what they say.

PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

I think it%26#039;s good, and all that really matters is if you are pleased with it. If you really want something publish compile a bunch of them together and make a poetry book written by you. I write poetry too. And at some point, I%26#039;d like to get all mine together and get them published. As a last note, don%26#039;t ever let anyone ell you that you are not good or can not write. You are as good as you want to be.

PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

Have you read %26quot;little prince%26quot; by Antouan De Saint Exupery?

In this story there is a Turkish scientist who discovered a little asteroid (where little prince lived) and gone to a scientific seminar to talk about his discovery. No one took him seriously because he was wearing the traditional costume of his country. After a few years he made the same announcement with a European costume and then he was taken seriously.

I remembered this because you poem is a dream dressed with wrong clothes.

Maybe yes you should give it to them in English. Just so you can let lots of people to read it.

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See Standard in the net like joining Stumbleupon.

PLEASE rate my poem .. IMPORTANT !!?

It seems to me that the poem has to do with nationalism and love of country Let me break down why.

Countrys origin follow in our blood we say I AM canadian or I AM ARABIC or I AM {list your nation}

Our countrys actions weither good or bad affect us. Weither emotionally Tears or physical- air we breath.

where else do we all feel each others pains so greatly as in a village or community where we ( being multiple members effect each other for the good or the bad.) This could encompass the whole earth not onlu our small protion of it.

THe entire poem conveys the feeling of some entities pain as our own but does not specify the origin of the entity weither a person or a country and therefore is hard to identify with. One person claimed it is a love peom for example to me it seems like a fish out of water poem althoug there is no mention of missing ones home land other than a reference to %26quot;my life without you is an empty place.%26quot; (People feel that way when they live in a country where they do not know many people or have close family around them or such things, like the fish out of water they feel they do not belong.)

I would like to see this poem have an important message such as all of us being conected on one planet and not having national barriers. It is so close and almost works you just need a few more lines to bring your point home. fi not my way then your way you are the only one who knows waht that was supposed to be becasue it is not clear in the poem. Consider this though with a message of value such as peace or protecting our earth attached to it I would think your poem would no longer be rejected but embraced.

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Your rhyme scheme is a little off but that%26#039;s not the main issue here. I can read your emotion but it%26#039;s got no rhythm, you%26#039;re meter is very inconsistent.

Think of your poem as a song set up as Verse/Chorus/Verse. The meter on your two verses should be the same with maybe a little bit of variation. For example: %26quot;I can feel your blood%26quot; and %26quot;When you cry%26quot; should have similar syllabic structures.

The heart of your poem is in the words, and it%26#039;s got heart. It just needs its soul, which is found in its rhythm.

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I would get rid of the second stanza, it%26#039;s kinda%26#039; just floating there for no apparant reason. But the rest is really good.